As part of March’s Juicy Blog Topics, Laurie Foley challenged her Blog More Monthly participants to set their intention to have a blog post delivered to them in a dream on March 21 (the night of the Spring Equinox). I’ve never had much luck at setting an intention to dream anything, but I decided to give it a shot and see what happened.
I went to bed and tried to settle in and set the intention. But I found I could not sleep; therefore, I couldn’t dream. Instead, my intention entered my mind in a waking state and has rarely left my conscious mind since.
Last Wednesday, March 14, I had a robotic right partial nephrectomy–the surgeon removed part of my right kidney and a tumor diagnosed back in June of last year. I’ve been feeling alone and lonely through the weeks prior to the surgery, even though my social networking has remained somewhat constant in the past couple of weeks. But it was only on the night of the challenge that my heart and mind opened to help me realize the source of my loneliness.
One of my friends and I had been staying in contact through Facebook even though we only live a couple of hours apart. I had just seen her a few weeks before, even though it was only the second time in the past year. It seems as if I had some crucial support going into this? So why did I suddenly feel so lonely?
Looking back at our interactions with each other over the past year, since we reunited with limited contact, I realized something that made me feel like slapping my head and saying, “DUH.” I’m good at “social networking,” but I stink at opening myself up to genuine love and vulnerability. Did I ever reach out for love and comfort? Did I open my heart to someone else and risk being hurt? Not really. I would send my friend Facebook messages, but I wouldn’t pick up the phone to hear her voice. I wouldn’t call her because I was terrified I would lose control and cry on her shoulder. I couldn’t risk making myself vulnerable to her–what if she didn’t care enough? I was scared of being hurt.
I lay on my bed and cried. I chose to be alone with myself. I didn’t have to be. I had the capability to reach out and chose not to. I know it seems like a simple realization, but I know now I can’t go on blaming others for my feeling alone. It’s up to me. This didn’t change my world immediately, but I hope it will change my perspective on the responsibility of others to be there for me. I hope it will help me remember to reach out because someone else might be afraid of being vulnerable. Let’s build bridges between each other’s hearts.